My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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