Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
