Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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