I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
