I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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