and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I have tasted many bathrooms
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
