No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
