sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
There r osticjed everywhere
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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