Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize