I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
