1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
i now understand why vodka
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
