We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
