I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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