Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
