I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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