you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
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