Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
