Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
