Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
