Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
