as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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