Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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