Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
