I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
