Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
