I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
