Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
So vagazzling was a success
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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