am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
