We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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