Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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