I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
