I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
