Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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