3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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