Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
