She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Randomize
