Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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