I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
