omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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