Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
he thought i was a dude.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
