i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
