Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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