I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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