People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
