I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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