Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
