where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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