Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
