I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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