where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I need to sanitize my soul.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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