How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
