your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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