This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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