Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
