I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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