the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
