He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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